What is a Big Daddy?
A lot of people have been asking me, “What is a Big Daddy?” In its simplest definition, a Big Daddy is a man who pays. Sometimes he pays for drinks. Sometimes he pays for plane tickets. Sometimes he pays with an American Express Black Card. Sometimes he pays with his dignity (for example, when Miss Alexis lambasts him in public for being stupid). Sometimes he pays with his life. Ok, that’s too dramatic, but if you’ll remember the case of Mr. Ashley, he did come close.
But there’s more nuance to the name than that. Being a Big Daddy is a way of life. Like being a born-again Christian or a gutterpunk. It is a southern way of life, and more specifically, a New Orleanian way of life. Miss Alexis will be annoyed with me for saying so, because she does enjoy her out-of-towners, but being Deep South is integral to the Big Daddy lifestyle. You must also dress the part. Bespoke suits, fedoras, seersucker, pocket squares, ascots, canes, cuff-links.
A Big Daddy doesn’t have to be a geezer, but often that’s how it goes. Like a fine scotch, Big Daddies must age in the barrel before they’re palatable. Big Daddies typically require five or six decades to establish their manners, not to mention, their empires.
A Big Daddy doesn’t always have manners. Some, in fact, are downright cads. These are the Bad Big Daddies that you take to the cleaners and leave with a nice, shiny set of blue balls.
Another question people frequently ask: I’m having trouble finding Big Daddies. How can I bag one if there aren’t any? Answer: Make one!
Here’s a fun experiment you can try at home. Throw out all of your self-help books about getting a man’s attention. Especially “He’s Just Not That Into You”. That is the Satanic Bible to my religion.
Once you’ve gotten rid of all that garbage, all you need do is employ this one, fail-safe secret that has been used by women in the hood for centuries:
Call him “Big Daddy”.
You’ll visibly see the guy puff up with pride and flash a smile as big as a self-satisfied, fat pussy cat. And then look out girl, because Big Daddy is not going to be able to stop paying for things. It’s as potent as a voodoo spell, so please be careful when calling men “Big Daddy”, especially in the bedroom. Unless, of course, you want a husband on your hands in 2 weeks. And remember, only reward him with the “Big Daddy” dirty talk when he deserves it. That is, when he’s been acting like a gentleman to begin with.