How to Get an Old Fart to Buy you a Hat
My latest project: I’m trying to get a $1000 custom hat out of an old codger. The boutique is called Fleur de Paris. I want the Fifi style, and thinking I’ll have it dressed with some striped ribbon and a few plumes from endangered parrots, but I’ll need to go look around before I make any final decisions.
Yesterday morning, Mr. Packaging, who likes to be called Jack Darling, came in as usual for lunch. You might remember this character from Miss Alexis’ story a couple months ago. Miss Alexis warned me that he was cheap and that he’d probably try to rape my ear just as he’d done to her, but there’s since been a new development…
Miss Alexis recently met Jack Darling’s arch nemesis, Mr. Crazy Eyes. Back in the 1940s, Mr. Crazy Eyes used to steal all of Jack Darling’s women. A perfect foundation for a double date with me and Miss Alexis. Jack Darling has not only agreed to this, but has offered to buy us both dresses.
“Good morning, Jack Darling.” I said sweetly.
“Miss April May June. How are you this fine day?” Jack Darling stood up at my arrival like a good boy.
“Miss Alexis and I would like you to buy some hats for us for our double date.”
“Oh that is charmin’. That is just charmin’. I would be delighted to buy hats for you girls. There are plenty of shops on Magazine Street that I’m sure sell hats.”
“Actually, our favorite place is just across the street!” I said.
“Oh. I’ve never heard of that place.”
“They have very cute hats, Jack Darling.”
And they’re very hush-hush about costs until it’s credit card time. Can’t wait to see the look on Jack Darling’s face after Miss Alexis and I have picked out all of our jewels and feathers.
“Miss Alexis and I will stop by tomorrow – it’s our day off, but we’ll collect you when you’re done with your lunch and take you to Fleur.”
“Well now, I don’t know if I’ll be around tomorrow. I have to pick up some friends at the airport at one.” Jack Darling’s delivery was so clean and expertly off-the-cuff, I nearly believed him. This guy is a pro-liar, but he’s in for a fierce game of chess, and he’s going to come out of it $2000 lighter…if he’s lucky.
Today I’m going to give Jack Darling a call before I meet Miss Alexis for lunch.
I thought of calling him crying. “Jaaaaaaaaaaaack! Mr. Crazy Eyes bought Miss Alexis a hat from Fleur de Paaaaaaaaris and now she’s making fun of me because I don’t have one.”
No, better to come from a place of strength. I’m thinking of taking this tack:
“Jack Darling, don’t worry about the hats. Mr. Crazy Eyes is buying them for us. You know, he’s a total sweetheart. They just don’t make them like that anymore. If only he were 5 years younger, like you. “
I’ll keep you posted, dear readers.